Alpha Female, Are You An Alpha Female? How To Date An Alpha Female, And What A Individual Need To Know, When Dating An Alpha. II Of VI

 

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Alpha Female, Are You An Alpha Female? How To Date An Alpha Female, And What A Individual Need To Know, When Dating An Alpha. I Of VI

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Alpha Woman, Beta Woman

by Sonya Rhodes, PhD and Susan Schneider

Posted Apr 14, 2018

Excerpted from The Alpha Woman Meets Her Match: How Today’s Strong Women Can Find Love and Happiness Without Settling(link is external), by Sonya Rhodes, PhD and Susan Schneider,  on sale: April 15, 2014, from HarperCollins Publishers.

Today’s Alpha Woman is everywhere. In dress and style, the Alpha is the familiar, highly visible prototype—she wouldn’t be caught dead in a 1980s power suit with padded shoulders that imitated male business attire. She is unabashedly sexy as well as career oriented. Her towering four-inch stilettos march off to the office, the store, the judge’s chambers, and her lacquered-red soles send a “follow me” signal, straight to the bedroom.

She’s the MD who manages a clinic like a well-oiled machine, or the self-confidentWeb editor who envisions herself running the company with her combination of tech skills and business savvy. She’s the chic, assertive saleswoman who convinces you to buy an outfit you aren’t sure you actually need. If she’s young and feeling her way as an Alpha female, she may proudly sign her texts “HBIC” (head bitch in charge—an acronym I heard recently from a 17-year-old client of mine headed to the Ivy League who could be the poster child for the new generation).

As I’ve studied and worked with women, I’ve discovered that our Beta sisters sometimes feel diminished or threatened by the Alpha prototype—but there is really no cause for this. I am not talking about “good,” “bad,” or “better” people; I am saying that all Alphas and Betas—in other words, all of us—are on a personalitycontinuum, and most of us are a mix, with greater or lesser degrees of both.

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Betas have less of a need for control, and they may have less interest in a leadership position than an Alpha would. In a group of women, the Alpha is the one who exerts power and influence through her ability to take charge of the conversation, while the Beta will tend to listen and support. In the extremes of both, an Alpha may be too confrontational; a Beta may be too passive. Fortunately, people are malleable, as you will see, and you can modify some of your behavior for a better balance.

Can you be an Alpha if you’re not a big earner or powerful out in the working world? Of course! Lily, a physician and a mother of two, works between fifteen and twenty hours a week to her husband’s seventy-hours-plus. She puts it this way: “I’m an Alpha in disguise. I don’t wear my Alpha on my sleeve.”

Like Lily, many strong Betas carve out a niche for themselves within a relationship; they may control the finances or decisions about the children, for example. “I’m a little afraid of direct confrontation,” Lily says. “I will tend to avoid it. I look like I’m easygoing and amenable and I don’t always show my forceful side, but I do like to get my way.” Alpha? Beta? It isn’t always either/or, and Alpha is not better than Beta. Far more important is the degree of each that you have in your personality. You may be a Beta, with anywhere from a handful to a big helping of Alpha, or an Alpha with strong to middling Beta tendencies, or an extreme Alpha, with practically no Beta at all. You may be pretty much a hybrid, with equal amounts of both. I’m betting that you’ve got some Alpha no matter who you are.

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Funny, strong, independent, and comfortable in her own skin, the Alpha believes in herself—but has some blind spots. She assumes that as an Alpha female she should be partnered with an Alpha male. The problem is, two Alphas will tend to compete for power and dominance. I believe that Alpha women can learn to envision themselves as the Alpha in a relationship with a Beta man, who just might make the best fit.

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THE NEW “CATCH”

The Beta man is out there in the culture, in the media, and in the sociologists’ studies and statistics—and he’s a great catch. We’ve all seen Dads pushing strollers down the street as often as we see Moms. A father may be the Pied Piper of the playground set and know the politics of the kids’ PTA far better than the working wife does. A New Yorker magazine cartoon features two Old West-style gunslinger hombres with their infants in BabyBjorns standing in a bar negotiating for a play date. A new ad campaign for shaving cream suggests men “man up,” a playful poke both at traditional notions of manhood and at today’s “softer” guy.

Today’s Beta guy is transformed and more complicated than the sensitive guy from the 80s and 90s. “Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche” was the name of a bestselling book in the 80s, which satirized the sensitive man who was trying very, very hard to be acceptable to feminists. We’ve come further by now! The Beta man is no longer the guy assumed to be gay if he likes yoga, dresses well, or is a vegan. His ego doesn’t depend on scoring macho points. He is dependable, responsible, and supportive.

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Many Alpha women have a sexual Achilles heel: openly sexual as they are, they still expect the man to take the lead in bed, which gets in the way of their falling for the tender lover, the Beta male. I call it the Shades of Grey syndrome, based on the series that found such a willing audience among Alpha dynamos who feel some sneaky retro shame about their sexual appetites. An Alpha who is secretly embarrassed by her intense sexual fantasies may feign passivity in order for the man to take the lead, so she can be “taken.” Her shame, which is not obvious to her, is paradoxical, contradicting everything about this alluring, sexy, spunky woman.

Beta males are—or can be—the best lovers because they want you to get off too. With men, we tend to “split”—Alpha men are sexy, Beta men are “weak.” Forget that! You can stop compartmentalizing and find the more complex man you’re really looking for.

But what do women and men really feel about the non-macho male? After I’d begun thinking about Alpha female/Beta male partnerships, I mentioned to an Alpha friend of mine that her husband was a great Beta guy. Although I meant it as a compliment—her husband is a nurturing family man and a super-creative graphic designer who works on a vintage letterpress machine in his studio—I could tell from her body language that she was a little insulted. It made me realize just how loaded these terms are.

The old hierarchy of Alpha and Beta, in which the highest-ranking Alpha males run the show, isn’t operative any more. Not every man is an egotistical Alpha player or an Omega loser desultorily plucking his guitar on an old futon in his mom’s basement. Alpha players are alive and well—and enabled by technology (their best friend!)—and so are hopeless wimps and slackers. But most of the men I see in my therapy practice—hailing from Wall Street to the suburbs—do seek equal, balanced relationships: a 2010 Pew poll found that 62 percent of both men and women believe that the best marriage depends upon a true partnership—in other words, that ever-desirable, ever-elusive state of nirvana we call equality. Of course, making that a reality is still a huge challenge in spite of all the changes.

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Alpha women like to lead, and Beta guys do not mind following. But am I advocating inequality? A good Alpha woman-Beta man partnership can benefit both partners if they respect each other. If the Beta guy knows how and when to push back, the power balance can skew in the direction of the Alpha woman without harm being done to the relationship. When I see successful marriages like a rabbi wife wedded to a stay-at-home dad who happily watches the couple’s four children, an attorney wife whose bike-mad husband runs a suburban bicycle shop, or the male elementary-school teacher married to the female physician, I’m heartened. These couples have found their bliss.

These are confusing times. The Alpha woman-Beta man partnership goes against cultural traditions that we’ve all been taught. But it’s a relationship dynamic that holds huge promise for relationships of the twenty-first Century

Continue To Part Two Of Four

Quick Guide To Buying Tires, When You Don’t Know Anything About Tires!!! III Of III

Continued

Here are some frequently asked questions about tires:

Common tire questions

What driving habits negatively impact a tire’s life?

  • Taking curves and corners fast
  • Abrupt accelerating and braking. This can cause excessive heat that wears the tire out more quickly
  • Hitting curbs, potholes, etc.

How do you extend the life of a tire?

In addition to driving responsibly, there are other ways you can prolong tire life:

  • Check wheel alignment as recommended by your car maker

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What is the correct air pressure for your tires?

Find your optimal operating tire inflation pressure in the owner’s manual and on a sticker located on the inside of the driver’s door.

Can you mix tire types?

Performance is best when all 4 tires are the same size, tread pattern and age. Tires that vary in those factors can cause handling and stability problems. However, some cars have different size tires in the front and rear, so check your owner’s manual.

Can you mix tires with different speed ratings?

Generally, not recommended. It could affect handling and maximum speed limit.

When should you use winter tires?

Winter tires are generally used when the temperature remains consistently near freezing. Winter tires can provide improved grip on icy and snowy surfaces, and are one way you can prepare your car for driving in the snow.

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Should winter tires be used only in snow?

Usually, if temperatures drop and you’ll be driving in rain, ice, snow or other wintery conditions. When temperatures stay above freezing, change to summer or all-season tires.

Can you use summer tires in the winter?

This is not usually recommended. Cold weather can cause softer summer tires to lose grip, develop cracks and shorten tire life.

Should you purchase used tires?

This is not typically recommended. You may be unaware of past hazards or mistreatment the tires underwent.

Choosing the right tires and knowing how to care for them is critical to safe driving. Get more tire safety tips, so you can keep yourself and your tires in top shape on the road.

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The Rest Of The Story

After work she was ready with her tire size, type and knowledge. Walked into “Goodyear Tires Company” order her tire, the technician put the tire on, and she put the tire back in her spare tire space within her car. Drove home and told her husband and family all about her tire buying experience.

 

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In Conclusion 

To the average person buying new tires ranks pretty far down on the list of things most people want to do with their time and money, right next to replacing a failed water heater. While you might overspend on your next water heater, at least there will be a flow of warm water to wash the pain away.

Not so with tires. A poor choice of replacement rubber will haunt you every driving day for the next three to six years. The wrong tires will pound your neck, assault you with constant whining, cause your beloved sporty car to handle worse than a pickup, or scare you witless when it rains. Plus, buying new rubber is intimidating for the unprepared: Tires appear identical. Each manufacturer claims all its tires are superlative in every area. All cost more than you’d budgeted, which was “nothing.” And newer vehicles require replacement components for their tire pressure monitoring system (TPMS).

But this process doesn’t have to be so painful. I hope these are simple tips to make the tire-buying experience a little better. (Mac Demere Jun 5, 2012)

 

What Does Community Mean To Us. Part III Of III

In Conclusion: Dave says it best: When he polls random students of  a college “community

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Dave by the Bell: What does community mean to you?

We use the word community a lot on the Appalachian State University campus, so we thought we’d ask what it means to our students.

Transcript

  • Dave: Appalachian State University students answer the question, “What is ‘community’ to you?”

    Voice 1: “I’d say community to me is just a group of people who live and work together in a way that benefits everybody equally.”

    Voice 2: “I believe community is the people and cultures just coming together. Unity.”

    Voice 3: “To me, community is people interacting with each other peacefully in the same environment.”

    Voice 4: “Community is being able to greet somebody and go in a space and not feel alienated or impersonal.”

    Voice 5: “Community to me is a sense of belonging amongst like minded people.”

    Voice 6: “Community is a group of people living in the same area working towards a common goal.”

    Voice 7: “It’s people who come together because they believe in the same thing and they are passionate about the same thing, and they work together to make sure that thing happens. So, for me, that’s social justice.”

    Voice 8: “Community to me is a group of people that care about one another. They may be united over an issue like the LGTB Center that we’re in right now, or they may just be a group of friends. But it’s people that care about each other enough to create a system of love and support for one another.”

    Voice 9: “I think that community is a group of individuals that whether because they come from the same place or live in the same place or are working towards a common goal find it in themselves to work together and support each other.”

    Voice 10: “Community is a group of people who are together who are working towards a common goal who have the same beliefs and help each other out through the hard times.”

    Voice 11: “Community to me is a sense of support around you from a big group of people who are just welcoming and supportive and loving of you.”

    Voice 12: “I guess community to me is a sense of belonging and an organization…a team as well. Everyone has a collective task and a collective goal, trying to better themselves. Not only personally and individually, but as a group as well.”

    Voice 13: “This is a good question but I need to brainstorm.”

    Voice 14: “What is the question?”

    Voice 13: “‘What is community to you.’”

    Voice 14: “Oh. This is a community!”

    Voice 13: “This is a great community.”

    Voice 14: “Everyone just kind of works together and helps each other out, and it’s encouraging.”

    Voice 13: “Yeah, encouraging one another!”

    “That’s community.”

    “And challenging each other in a positive way. And supporting each other. Community.” (http://appalachianmagazine.org)

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    THAT’S WHAT COMMUNITY MEANS TO ME?

Quick Guide To Buying Tires, When You Don’t Know Anything About Tires!!! II Of III

Continued

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How to read a tire’s sidewall

The diagram below shows where you’ll find this information on a tire.

Note the code on the sample tire above is P195/60R16 85H. The table below shows what each abbreviation in the code means.

P Service Description

P = “passenger car”LT= “light truck”ST = “special trailer”T = “temporary”

195 Tire Width

Tire section width – distance from sidewall edge to sidewall edge. The higher the number, the wider the tire.

60 Aspect Ratio

Tire section height compared to its section width. Lower numbers mean a short sidewall with improved steering & handling.

R Internal Construction

R = radial construction

16 Rim Diameter

Wheel diameter, in inches, for which the tire was sized.

85 Load Index

Measurement of how much weight each tire is designed to support. The larger the number, the higher the load capacity.

H Speed Rating

Speed the tire is designed to run for long periods.S = 112 mphT = 118 mphU = 124 mph

H = 130 mph

V = 149 mph

Z = Over 149 mph

W = 168 mph

Y = 186 mph

(Y) = Over 186 mph

Another factor to consider in buying tires is tread-life warranty– an estimate based on the type of tire and the number of miles it can be expected to travel under normal driving conditions.

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Types of tires

Now that you know tire terminology, consider the type of tire best suited for you and your car.

Type of Tire Description Speed Ratings Tread-Wear Warranty (miles) Best For
All-season tires Cost-effective tires offer a smooth ride, long tread wear and adequate traction on dry and wet conditions None, S, T 40,000 – 100,000 Cars and minivans

Older cars & climates that rarely drop below freezing temps

Performance all-season tires Typically offer better handling and braking than regular all-season tires H, V 40,000 – 60,000 Cars & minivans

Newer cars

Ultra performance tires Provide good handling and steering in wet and dry conditions ZR, W, Y 30,000 – 40,000 Cars & minivans

Upscale sedans or sports cars

Summer tires The softer rubber provides maximum traction on dry and wet roads in warmer weather Cars & minivans

Warmer climates

All-terrain tires Best for paved roads and light-duty, off-road use S 40,000 – 60,000 Light trucks & SUVs

Fit for most weather conditions – good for SUVs & other 4-wheel drive cars

Winter tires Tread is designed for snow and ice; rubber can withstand freezing temps Q, S, T None Areas that experience wintry conditions
Performance winter tires Enhanced winter traction offers high-speed handling and higher levels of snow and ice grip Q & up None Areas that receive an increased amount of snow and ice

When selecting tires, consider:

  • Weather conditions you commonly drive in
  • The worst weather situations you would expect to face
  • Where you usually drive – city streets, highways, etc.
  • Your driving style

 

Always make sure you select tires that are appropriate based on your owner’s manual and your tire distributor’s recommendation.

Continue To III Of III

What Does Community Mean To Us. Part II Of III

In this big, wide world, we ask again:
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 What does “community” even mean? A definition attempt & conversation starter Fabian Pfortmüller

While shopping for groceries a few weeks ago, I picked up a pack of salad and flipped it around to learn about its origin. Immediately something caught my attention: my salad was inviting me to join its “Facebook community”.

If even my salad has / is a community, what does “community” even mean?!

“Community” has a definition problem

As someone who works with communities on a daily basis and has studied hundreds of them over the last couple of years, I sense a lot of confusion. The term is used as a catch-all phrase for anything that has to do with a collection of human beings, from the very tangible to the very abstract.

I see 2 problems:

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1) Most “communities” are not real communities

I get the sense that the term “community” is really hot in the advertising/marketing/sales/startup/event space, because it alludes to more than just a transactional customer-company relationship. But most of the “communities” I come across, are in my opinion not actual communities. I hear the word being used, when really the authors mean a series of monthly events, a Facebook page, a group of customers that has loyalty towards a specific brand, a yearly conference, all customers of an e-commerce brand, social media followers, everyone who uses Twitter, people who happen to vote the same way, etc.

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2) The dictionary definition is vague and outdated

Here is how the dictionary defines “community”:

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I think the traditional definition of community is outdated. It is mostly based on shared location: “a group of people living in the same place”. That’s what community used to be, historically. But for many of us, our village or neighborhood isn’t anymore our key definer of identity or fellowship. As this article in the Atlantic points out beautifully, we have shifted from, traditionally, being born into a community to, now, choosing our own communities and expressing our identities through them.

I think the traditional definition is missing a key piece. “A feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests and goals”: this part comes closer to modern forms of communities. Everyone in it has something in common. However, I think it’s too broad and vague. I have so, so many attitudes, interests and goals that I share with other people. But that doesn’t mean yet that I’ll feel a sense of community with them. For that, it needs relationships. More on this piece below.

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We need to update what “community” means

With the traditional definition being somewhat outdated and the term being used broadly by marketers, brands, entrepreneurs, event organizers, social media managers etc. in so many ways, I think we are missing out on the true power that “real” communities can have.

We need to update what “community” means in today’s world. And maybe we’ll have to find ways to differentiate between different kinds of communities. As there is no singular figure of authority in this space, I imagine this will best happen as a series of conversations among community builders. To kick off this conversation, I offer an attempt at defining “community”:

Community = a group of people that care about each other and feel they belong together.Let’s take that apart:

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  • “A group of people”: in the end of the day, a community always exists of humans. That seems obvious at first, but I see a lot of use of the word that is dehumanized and abstract: “the marketing community”, “the international community”, “the St. Clarke’s Streets community”, the “AirBnB community”. In the end, we are talking about real humans with real lives, real stories, real hopes, real dreams.
  • “that care about each other”: this is in my opinion the absolute core of a community. The individuals in a group are not just random strangers, they have relationships with each other. They give a shit about each other. They care more about the people in this group than about the average person they meet on the street. This is where the magic of a community happens. When people care about each other, they develop trust. And trust unlocks collaboration, sharing, support, hope, safety and much more. While most organizations in the world optimize their performance towards external goals, communities optimize for trust.
  • “feel they belong”: communities address one of the most fundamental human needs: we want to be loved, we don’t want to be lonely and we want to know that we belong somewhere. Real communities give us this sense of home, this sense of family, this sense of “these are my peers”. This is my tribe, this is where I belong. In this group, I am being accepted for who I really am.
  • “together”: a community gives people a sense of shared identity. We are together. The sum is bigger than the individual parts. This shared identity matters, because it takes the group beyond individual, 1:1 relationships. It turns strangers into trusted peers through a proxy effect: even though I don’t know you, I trust you more than the average person because we are part of the same community, we share the same identity. Many of us express our interests, ambitions and goals through the people we spend time with — communities become part of our identity.

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What about a community having a common goal / purpose?I see a lot of community definitions that are a version of the following:A community = a group of people that care about the same goal.In my personal opinion, this definition does not qualify as a community, unless these people have trusted relationships with each other. Why? Because there are so many things in the world where people come together with a shared goal / purpose / attitudes / interests: project teams, companies, political movements, etc. They are groups of people that care about the same goal, but they are not communities.I argue we need a way to differentiate those goal driven channels from groups that are heavily relationship based aka communities.Why does this matter? It matters, because ultimately project teams, companies and political movements optimize for an external output (aka whatever their goal is). But communities, in my opinion, optimize for something else: the relationship and trust among themselves. I think the two entities have very different impact in the world.Communities, of course, can still have shared goals as well. One way to look at that is to differentiate between the internal purpose of a community (we take care of each other) and the external purpose (we have a collective goal). I believe that every community needs to have an internal purpose first to truly function as a community. Without trust and relationships, it becomes a project, an initiative, a movement. But maybe communities with internal purpose are powerful channels to have external purpose?How do YOU define “community”?I’d love for this to be a conversation starter and would LOVE to hear what “community” means to you. If you leave comments or message me, I’ll make sure to collect all the answers and report back. Thank you!

Continue to Part III Of III